


Is there a way?

by Razerface



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: F/F, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-07-23 22:01:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20015458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Razerface/pseuds/Razerface
Summary: CO Artesian McCullough has PTSD since the riot and started cutting herself.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am apologizing for my bad grammar and use of vocabulary, I am german and just fourtheen. I tried to write it as good as possible. I hope you will enjoy it.

Her warm blood dripped from her arm to the floor in the toilet cabin. It wasn’t the first time she had cut herself, and she hurted herself in another different way, too, but now it was on another level. McCullough had a razor blade in her hand. She pulled it trough her arm once again. She clenched her teeth together at the pain, but she loved it. It made her feel better. Since the riot, all she could think about was how much she despited herself for didn’t do anything against the hostage taking. How much she felt worthless. Useless. Just like a piece of shit. Nightmares all the time, and because of that less sleep. And the only thing that makes her feel better was cutting. That was her life now. 

After a while, she needed more than just burning herself with cigarettes. And even after the second time she cutted herself, the cuts became much deeper and longer. Since the first time she cutted herself on the officer-bathroom and lost so much blood, she was totally pale, so Hopper asked, "You're pretty pale. Do you have a stomach virus? Something like that may not spread in any case. He gave her a cup of tea because he thought it would help. It didn’t.

Her post-traumatic stress disorder is gradually taking control of CO Artesian McCullough. She knew that. But she could not do something about it. And she knew that too.

At the thought of it, she gave herself another cut. This cut was longer than all the other cuts. Even the cuts on her stomach and her thighs were a lot smaller. But the real problem was her blood loss. She had lost half a liter so far, at liest so the toilet floor looked like. She felt panic built up in her stomach, and she really didn’t know what to do about it. That was way to much blood for her. 

After about one minute sitting there in shock, McCullough took toilet paper and tried to wipe up the blood. Most of it was wiped up, but at some points she missed the bloody spots because of her panic attack and the following hectic pace. But she didn’t really care. She just let it be like this and headed out of the bathroom. 

Dark eye bags, pale skin, sweat on her forehead, some blood on her sleeve. Every blind person would have noticed that she was feeling very sick. Her entire sleeve would have been full of blood if she had not wrapped the bandage she had taken from the prison's medicine cabinet around her arm and sealed it with a piece of tape.

She had been letting herself go lately. She looked awful.

To collect the money for the phone chargers from Alex, she made herself on shaky legs on the way to the C-block. To avoid as much contact as possible to her colleagues, she made a huge detour through the areas of the prison, which were mostly not used at the early morning. However, Tamika Ward, who was recently promoted to deputy director, still came across her, because she was on the way back to her new office.

From a distance, CO Ward saw nothing unusual about McCullough, but as she approached she stopped. McCullough was scrutinized by the deputy director with a critical but concerned look. McCulloughs whole body trembled. She looked like she was only fed by energy drinks. Her eye bags emphanized that once more.

„Oh shit, you look really bad. Are you okay?“ Ward asked. Artesians desperate look speaks terms of feelings. „Hey. Please talk t-“ Debuty director Ward touched CO McCullough carefully on the arm. But that doesn’t made it less painful for her. She instantly moaned in pain and winced. Ward immediately understood what was going on. 

„Oh fuck. Please tell me you don’t do this again.“ No answer. McCullough feeling her head turn red. She did not know what to do. Her heart beat to her throat. The blonde woman continued looking on the ground. „Okay. Show me you arm.“ Still no answer.

Debuty director Ward grabbed the sleeve of the blond women‘s shirt. And at that point, Tamika also noticed the blood on that sleeve. It was so much blood. Ward tried as hard as she can to build eye contact with the now nearly crying McCullough, but she wasn’t able to. 

„Why is there blood?...Artesian!“

Ward only knew that McCullough was burning herself several times, but when she did that, there wasn’t any blood. Things got gradually clearer for Ward, and she felt a cold shiver on her back. „O-Okay. Please come with me.“ She said. With turning McCullough to the side, they made their way to the office of debuty officer Tamika Ward. It wasn’t far away from where they have been at the moment. After a few storage rooms, empty chambers and a few stairs to the top, Ward opened her office door and asked McCullough to sit down. The two women have built up eye contact now, and Ward stood one meter away from her. McCullough wasn’t able to look at her counterpart anymore, and she quickly turned away. „Look at me Jesus Christ!“ „No.“ Ward could see how McCullough was about to suffer a mental breakdown - the second time this week - (if you exclude her breakdown at her home).  
Tears ran down her cheek. She tried to hold them back. She couldn’t. Stress. So much stress.

„It’s okay. Just...Calm down. Does anyone know about that?“  
Artesian hesitated.  
„No.“  
„Please lift up your sleeves. I wanna see your arms. I mean I can’t just leave you like that. You need to go to a doctor“ 

If Ward would she all the cuts - literally all over her whole body - it would be her end. McCullough would probably be admitted to psychiatry. And everyone would know about what she daily does to herself. And she couldn’t afford that. She stood up, and she said: „You can believe me that it isn’t that bad. And I promise, that I will try to refrain from it.“. She said, weirdly formally. Like she would speak to a strange person, and not to a person she told a big secret to, which nobody knows about herself. But Ward somehow believed Artesian. With a step towards her, grabbing her hand, forcing the blond-haired to look at her. „Ok, I will believe you now. But if you do that again, tell me please. Ok?“ „Yes, okay.“ 

McCullough went away to her colleagues for observing the C-Block, where she would meet Alex for the business they operate.


	2. Chapter 2

She was so glad that Tamika had not seen her wounds. However, she was nervous as fuck, so much the sweat ran down her forehead.

McCullough was in the C-block, waiting for Vause. When she saw her and looked her in the eyes, she gave her a discreet nod and made her way to the storage room, where they met regularly.

McCullough started cutting herself about three weeks ago, but at the beginning she just did it on her thighs, so that Vause weren’t able to see it.

It took a minute for Vause to come. She waited for McCullough to take off her shirt and hand over the chargers in her corset. "Do not you have any „contraband“ with you?" Vause never loved the smuggling thing, and McCullough got that through Alex's passive-aggressive behavior. But McCullough needed the money. She was not doing well financially. And at least Alex Vause is getting a lot of money from their common merits.

"No. But you should have the money with you. "

"Yes. Here"

There were a total of $ 170. It was a lot of money for two days.

Alex studied McCullough. "You look very sick. Is everything okay?"

Oh no, not the same shit again, Artesian thought.

"The same as always. Nothing special. "McCullough tried to look calm. But she couldn‘t fool Vause.

"Nothing special? You look like half dead! "

McCullough took a deep breath. She had to pull herself together so as not to cry directly.

Pull yourself together, damn it!

"OK. I am not doing well. But that does not really matter. "

"Yes it does!"

McCullough had no energy or power to argue with anyone, and certainly not with Vause. She had fallen in love with her. And by now she was bitchy to anyone who spoke to her ill looking external. Therefore, most colleagues also kept away from her. And even if she actually enjoyed the distance to her colleagues, she did not want Vause to distance herself from her. That's why she made a snide comment.

McCullough sat down against the wall and buried her head in his hands. This stress. This goddamn stress!

„Hey...Tell me what‘s going on.“

„I don’t want to.“

„Are you hurting yourself? I mean...again?“

„Alex. I am serious. I don’t want to talk about it.“

Alex didn’t know what to do. She hadn’t any ideas anymore. What was up with her, Alex thought. And, to be honest, Alex knew that McCullough was still self harming, but she hadn’t a single idea what she could do against it. She wasn’t able to help Artesian. And she hated herself for that. „Artesian...“ Alex grabbed Artesians arm. She made the same mistake Ward did make fiftheen minutes before. Artesian winced and moaned in pain. „What happend? Did I hurt you?“ Vause panicked. „Show me your arm!“ Fuck. Fuck! „...No.“ „A-“ Alex felt something wet on her hand, and she pulled her arm back, and she couldn’t believe what she saw. On Artesians sleeve was more blood now, because her wounds had bleed through the bandage. Alex also had Artesians blood on her hand. „Okay. What the fuck Artesian?!“ Artesians head got hotter than anytime before. Tears filled her eyes, and they ran down her cheeks - again. But now, she really cried. And she wasn’t even sad- at this point -, because she was so stressed. Alex tried to softly pull Artesians hands from her face, but Artesian refused to let that be. „O-okay... I will open the buttons of you sleeve now, okay? Everything is okay.“ Artesian continued crying „Stop it. It‘s okay.“

No. Nothing is okay.

At this moment, Artesian wanted to run away as fast as she was able to, but she knew that this wouldn’t worth it. And now, she would have the optimal chance to tell Alex what she daily does to herself. (Okay, Alex would see it herself.) 

Alex opened the buttons of her sleeve as careful as she could. She saw a bandage. Blood soaked. Panic came up in Alex‘ body. Her heart beated to her head. „No...Shit.Please tell me that’s not true. Please.“ „I‘m sorry“ McCullough whimpered. 

Think, Alex. Think! What to do now? ALEX!

„Can I transact it? To see how bad it is?“

„I-I promise you-you don’t want to see this.“ McCullough sobbed.

Vause wanted to know how bad McCullough’s injuries were, but she just couldn’t ignore how much the blonde-haired cried. Vause opened her arms, just to enclose McCullough in a soft hug. She kissed her on the forehead. „Artesian...It’s okay.“ Alex wiped the tears from Artesians cheeks after she was finally able to pull the blond-haired hands away. She wanted so much to make her feel better. So she did something.

And so she haven’t had the best idea. But what else should she do? That was the question, and nobody had an answer for her.

Alex kissed her. She wanted Artesian to feel better. If she did or not after this, Alex didn’t know.  
Alex lips touched the other woman‘s softly. She shivered, unable to returning the kiss, still struggeling with her storm of feelings. 

McCullough pulled away from Alex. She seemed to calm down slowly. But she was still crying, while she stroked Alex cheek with her left hand. „I‘m sorry. I-I just thought I have to do something. Can I please look at your arm to make sure it’s nothing too bad?“ 

„It is bad, Alex.“

Alex realized that there was nothing to talk about. She just needed to know how bad McCullough was doing on a daily basis. And she did that too.

Vause unwrapped the bandage. She was pale, she was getting sick. Nothing. She could not think of anything. Alex saw several medium-sized, less deep cuts, and a single, but much deeper cut. Hastily, Alex also opened the buttons on the left sleeve of McCullough's shirt. Two large, blood-stained wound compresses were glued to her arm. When Alex made them off her careful, it looked just as bad as Artesian's other arm.

Alex Vause was shocked. What the?! Artesian? Why ...

Alex leaned her head against the wall, her gaze fixed on the little lamp on the ceiling of the chamber, unable to utter a single sound.

What should we do now? Wait until Artesian kills someday? No. But...

Alex took control of himself only after half an eternity. "Did you ever do anything else?" Artesian had recovered somewhat from her nervous breakdown. She did not want to talk about it. It was very uncomfortable that her wounds had seen anyone at all. But she somehow trusted Alex. That's why McCullough stayed calm. For the most part anyway.  
She finally managed to get through to a "... yes." Which almost drowned in her sobs.

Vause had to swallow again. She got worse with every thought. Thoughts like:  
Why did not I notice any of that earlier ??, and please, tell me you have not done any more to yourself! whirring through her head.

"Artesian ... Why."

Artesian felt new tears forming in her eyes. She was crying softly again. Then she started a longer explanation.

"I ... I feel like I'm worth nothing! Since the riot I wake up with sweat every night! I have to throw up, I lie in the bathtub and cry for no reason! I'm a piece of shit! "She was back at the same point as a few minutes earlier. "Artesian, look ... you ... you're not like a bad person. You really aren’t. The riot was probably the worst thing that ever happened to you, but it's not your fault. "Vause noticed Artesian did not meet her eyes. She took Artesian's face in both hands and forced her to look at her. "Look at me! It's not your fault.“ McCullough looked Vause in the eye and nodded. She didn’t really believed Alex, but she tried to. 

Artesian felt so comfortable near Alex, while she could almost throw up in being in anyone else's near.

„I don’t think I can leave you alone with that.“ Alex said. She really couldn’t do that.  
„Yeah, Ward said that, too.“  
„The new debuty director? Have she seen that, too?“  
„No, and I‘m very glad about that.“  
„It would probably be the best.“  
„She would probably admit me to psychiatry.“  
„I know, but...I don’t know. But I can’t just go right now.“ Alex thought. What could she do?  
„Ok, look. I have an idea. I will ask Piper, if it’s okay for her to take care of you if you should have a mental breakdown outside the prison. I mean, that’s the best think we can do. Would that be okay for you? If I ask her?“  
„What? How will you even explain that t-“ Vause interrupted her.  
„Look. I am worried about your life. You are very depressed, and alone the wounds on your arms are very deep. I am afraid... afraid that y-you will commit suicide some day.“

Artesian was shocked about the last sentence Alex said. But she also seemed to think. It didn’t sound like a bad idea, even if she didn’t really know Piper and the other way round. And she understood that Alex was worried about her life, and that Piper maybe would want to help her. Things started to become clear in Artesians head.

„If you really think this is a good idea, then please talk with her about that.“


	3. Chapter 3

The next day Alex was visited by Piper. Alex said she must ask Piper for a favor. On Piper's questioning what the urgent favor was, Alex explained to her the matter of McCullough's self-harm and all that had to do with it.

"Oh shit, that's pretty hard. Of course I can take care of her. I mean after the riot and all that shit ... "

"Thanks, Pipes. I'm really worried about her mental health. She is so depressed, and then that with her post-traumatic stress disorder ... "

"Really. That's totally okay. I want to take care of her, and I am going to. "

"Thank you."

When the visit was over and Alex disappeared back into her cell block, Piper picked up McCullough. Although Alex said she would already tell Artesian, Piper wanted to tell her herself. She had already seen McCullough at the entrance of the visitor area, how she controlled the visitors. You could clearly see that she was feeling really bad. And Piper did see that. She had already wondered if what Alex did not want to talk about over the phone was McCullough's health, but she had not known it would be that bad. She never thought McCullough would have mental health problems, and certainly not that she would hurt herself.

Piper walked cautiously to McCullough, who was standing against a wall. She looked just as bad as the day before. Dark eye bags, pale skin, sweat on the face.

McCullough met her eyes, visibly nervous. Keen on what Piper would say to her. Tense.

Piper was now about one meter away from Artesian, but she took another step closer. Knowing that Artesian had cut her two arms completely, and of course that hurt her, Piper put her hand on Artesians. 

In a low and calm voice, Piper said: "Hey. Alex told me everything. If you feel so bad again that you want to do something to yourself again, please come to me before. This here ... "Piper took a little piece of folded paper from one of her pockets and put it in McCullough’s hand. „This is my address." 

McCullough held the piece of paper in her hand, and she hesitantly said: "OK. Thank you. ... Really.“ „It‘s okay. Um, I‘m sorry but I have to go now. My brother is already waiting for me in the car. See you.“ 

Piper said. She went out the building's entrance to her brother’s car, leaving McCullough with the hope that things will get better. 

Piper opened the car door and got in to the passenger side. Her brother greeted her and left immediately. The fact that he - as was naturally expected of a good driver - fully focused on the road, did not stop him from noticing how unusually quiet Piper was, and how thoughtful she looked at it. 

"Hey. Was something in there or why are you so quiet?“ 

"What?" Piper got ripped from her thoughts. 

"Well, you usually talk like a waterfall after visiting Alex," Cal laughed. Piper saw this as a perfect opportunity to tell him about McCullough. After all, Piper lived with him, and if McCullough came to Piper, it would be in Cal‘s business, too. 

"If I tell you that, it will take a little longer. Is that okay? "Cal was obviously surprised. 

"Yes. Of course. What is it now? " 

"It's about one of the CO's." 

"Did you sleep with one?" 

"Ugh! No, "said Piper. She could never cheat Alex. 

"Did Alex sleep with one?" He just could not leave it - as always. 

"No!! She has a post-traumatic stress disorder since the uprising because she was a scourge there. She's been cutting since then, and pretty badly. Alex got it and asked me to look after her so she would not do anything worse. " 

"Oh shit ... yes that's really hard. And she should then come to our house? "Asked Cal Piper. 

"Well, already, for whom she is doing so shit again that she again wants to pull a knife through her arm or anywhere else, they should come before. I mean I have not seen her wounds yet, but from what Alex said, that's really better. Do you think that will be okay for you and Neri? " 

"Yeah of course. Not that she kills herself or something. What's her name?" 

"CO McCullough" 

"I think I heard about her on TV. Because of the riot and stuff. " 

"Could be possible. So okay, I do not know if she's coming today, but after all the stress of the last two days, if not longer, she'll probably come today. Who knows." 

"Okay.“ Cal responded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit shorter than the other two, but the next one will probably be much longer. I am still trying to write this fanfiction as good as possible, and at this point I want to excuse me again for my bad english. I am german and just fourtheen.


End file.
